I’m not sure I want to keep going. I tried to go out for a run by myself (obviously no Roland) and it didn’t work. It was on Tuesday. I had done a 10km on Sunday, then Zumba on Monday. I decided then, that my body required more rest. So I took the week off. Apart from walks with Roland, I did very little.
Where has this left me?
My mood is low and I want to stop. Having managed to achieve the completion of a 10km (and for me it was a real achievement.) I have no desire right now to continue. I managed to get a group of ladies together and we encouraged each other to keep training for our race. Some of us 5km, some of us 10km. We all raced it and completed it.
But now, I don’t care. I don’t have it in me anymore to keep going. To keep training. To enter another race and face the humiliation of getting no better, of always being last, of being so bleeding slow.
For me, this mentally usually disappears, and I will find the strength from somewhere to just try a small run. Which inevitably ends up longer than anticipated. However, today, I don’t want to, and let’s face it, tomorrow doesn’t look good either. (if that sounds familiar, it is from a movie – but the name escapes me.)
I hope that soon I will find the confidence again to go back out there and face the music. It never really occurred to me, how much running does really help me. It helps me leave the house. It helps me find the energy. Right now I feel zapped. I knew this would happen when I admitted that Roland should not be running any more, but I was unaware how quickly the laziness would settle in.
Right now, I want to sleep. All day and not get out of bed. I am struggling on finding things to concentrate on. I am struggling to find my passion where, ordinarily, I would be motivated. All these things exercise helps me with. It brings me out of the hell that is anxiety and depression.
If I do not go out for a run, or even for a little exercise and get my heart pumping then the reality is that I will fall into a pit of despair and isolation and I may never get out. Last time it took me three months to recover.
My aim this week is to go to Zumba tomorrow (an activity I have always preferred) and try a run on Tuesday if I have the energy. Failing that, I don’t know. Try and find some passion for something and stop wallowing in a pit of despair waiting for someone to come and find me and just take me out for a run! Let’s face it, I got this far on my own (with Roland) and in theory I can make it to the next stage, a sub 30!