Losing Faith, Losing heart.

I am feeling slightly reflective today. I am losing faith quickly with my run. Despite always wanting to encourage others, and  succeeding most of the time, I feel a little disheartened by it. I aim to do so much and yet it is never good enough. My aim is to run 5km in under 35 minutes, but I have not even got close.

I will be honest with you. I went for my asthma review last week. She does one yearly, about this time of year. It is when the pollen levels are higher for me and when I need her the most. She put me onto steroids. This was something I expected her to do. In the past, it is something she has warned me that she may have to do, and to be honest my running was affected by my asthma. But at this review, she also weighs me. I think, due to it being an NHS practice, that they get a retainer for doing so. I thought I was ok. But she was concerned that my weight has once again fluctuated. Not by a small amount, but enough for concern. She was lovely and suggested the doctor refer me to a dietician.

25.04.2018 - Roland.jpg
My favourite and most encouraging run partner (After a run) 

To be honest with you all, I am at risk of type 2 due to a family history. It is not something I wish on my son, or my husband. Type 2 would be a disaster. Yet again, I am faced with one option. To slim down and shape up. Easier said than done. But if I can do it, it will improve my run time.

Following on from that concerning news, I tried to kick start a healthy lifestyle. One person recommended the diet coach books (Joe Wicks) and has lent me the recipe books. At that point I felt as though I may be able to do the inevitable. Lose weight and not be in a risk category.

Yet on Sunday, I attended another Great Run Local. Again with the same lovely ladies that are both running 10km with me in June. Yet again, despite it being the hottest day of the year, I failed. My time was over 40 minutes and I wanted to die at the end. My chest still felt tight and I was accompanied by a sweep marshall, whose one job is to make sure everyone has finished the event. She was encouraging and told me about Jeffing. Yet the only thing even want, at any event, is not to finish last. I didn’t, the marshall did. If she had not been there, then I would have been. It did not encourage me.

25.04.2018 - Great Run Local.jpg
Was hard to do the GRL on Sunday.

 

But she was an angel. She stayed with me to the end. She encouraged me to the end. She told me about Jeffing. For those of you, like me, who do not know what Jeffing is, I will provide you with a brief explanation. Jeffing, or Jeffers, are people that always run to intervals. A doctor named Jeff Galloway invented it. You run (for me it is 5 minutes) and you then walk. Unlike other interval programs, you only walk for 30 seconds. This is regardless of how long you run for. I have chosen to run only for 5 minutes at a time. For more info, this is the website the marshall recommended to me. Jeffing information

I went out yesterday for my first Jeffing run. My fitbit allows you to put the intervals into a workout mode. It will vibrate at you when you need to run and then again when you need to walk. It worked for me and was the easiest 3.07 miles I had ran.

My race number came yesterday for my 10km. It has left me with a sense of dread. I do not want to let anyone down. I know that I am slower than everyone else that is running and therefore will be running alone. I was able to run easily yesterday, but if my 10km is on a warm day, then I will not be able to. Worse? I only have six weeks left to prepare for my race. It means that even if I add one mile a week, I will have few practice weeks.

26.04.2018 - group leader
I encouraged enough other mums to run with me that I got this random pin with me race number!

I feel at the moment as though I am an embarrassment to the running community, a fraud. I am in an exceptionally low place. I am lacking self confidence. I do not want to let anyone down, but I am convinced that regardless of how many runs I do, where I go, or what I train, I will.

My only aim is that I will finish. I will try really hard to finish.

I will try and keep you updated with my healthy living regime. I have tried some recipes already, but tomorrow, will be the first day of a week of meal planning from the Body Coach’s books. I need to do this for me, for my health. Yet, my brain is struggling in finding the purpose when it benefits no one but myself.

Until next time.

hev

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